Understanding Ourselves in Intimate Relationships
Intimacy…we search for it and we run from it. We yearn for it and we sabotage it. We want to be
deeply seen and yet we hide our thoughts and feelings. Understanding the fears associated with the
vulnerability of intimacy can help us make more conscious choices in our relationships. The following
is my take on five fears of intimacy which were first delineated by Larry B. Feldman.
Fear of merger. Merging is the experience of actually losing ourselves as we become one with the
other person—not knowing where our own body and self ends and the other person begins. The
merging experience in sexual lovemaking or other peak intimate experiences is very pleasurable…we
yearn for it. However, we may also fear that the other person will become too influential in our lives
and, thereby, cause us to lose our own identities or control over our lives. We worry about losing our
freedom or staying true to ourselves while, simultaneously, experiencing a strong pull to be what our
loved one wants us to be. This fear is manifested in power struggles over who controls whom and
what. It is expressed in several ways, i.e., “Don’t fence me in” or “I don’t have to answer to you, you’
re not my mother/father”. One of the most difficult tasks in relationship-building is to communicate
and negotiate so that both people are able to maintain identity and integrity.
Fear of abandonment. As intimacy develops in a relationship, a person receives more and more
support and pleasure from the other person. The idea of losing that person seems intolerable. The
fear is further aggravated by disappointments in previous love relationships. This fear may cause us
to vow to avoid deep love relationships in order to avoid further pain. In a relationship, this fear
causes us to be jealous, clingy, submissive, or controlling through manipulation or violence.
Fear of Exposure. We let our intimate partner know us…and whether we want them to or not, they
simply see us…character flaws and all, causing us to fear their rejection or judgment. We see our
own faults more clearly as we see ourselves through our partner’s eyes. If these faults are aspects
of ourselves we don’t want to face or accept, we experience an intense desire to reject this
awareness and/or the intimate partner who is seeing or telling us about this flaw. It is so much easier
to ignore our shortcomings when we are not in an intimate relationship.
Fear of Attack. This is the fear of being physically or emotionally hurt. It may be a realistic reaction
to a real danger or it may be a projection based on past attacks. Physical abuse is an obvious cause
of fear of attack; emotional abuse is more subtle. The attack can be overt as in name-calling or
obvious criticism or it can be covert as in sarcastic or passive-aggressive comments or behaviors.
Attacks by intimate partner are particularly painful because we rely on them to be our ally and
supporter.
Fear of One’ Own Destructive Impulses. Disappointments in love relationships, from childhood on,
can result inan underlying anger or rage that may come closer to consciousness as intimacy…and its
resultant vulnerability… increases. As we allow ourselves to be more intimate, the vulnerability can
precipitate anxiety, fear and anger. Anger oozes out in surprising ways…nit picking or exploding for
no apparent reason or with no present provocation. We may fear losing control and hurting the
other person emotionally or physically.
The more we see how these fears are showing up in our lives and how we came to react this way, the
more choice we have in determining our ability to be intimate. I am offering a workshop, Enhancing
Your Intimacy Potential, on April 21 to help people identify and heal their fears of intimacy. Using
information, a fear of intimacy questionnaire and numerous healing experiences, participants will
develop their own intimacy enhancement plan. For more information see the ad in this paper or
contact info@patsheehan.org. I wish you all the love your heart can hold!
War-Torn Hearts
War tears people away from each other as it tears at their hearts, minds and souls. In my 27 years
of counseling at the Indianapolis VA Medical Center, I saw first-hand the impact of war trauma on
thousands of veterans their partners and relationships. I also learned that, with an understanding of
traumatic stress and the courage to face their fears, healing is possible. I was a seasoned therapist
when, in 1980, I was asked to consult with the staff of the newly-opened Vet Center. They wanted
help with the combat veterans’ relationship issues. With years of helping alcoholic couples rebuild
their relationships, I wrongfully assumed that I had the necessary skills. It was a humbling, painful,
and incredibly rewarding experience. While the couples’ love for each other was apparent, they
would inevitably sabotage the intimacy in the relationship. Unable to stay emotionally close; they
would either pick a fight or emotionally shut down. While counseling helped them see what they were
doing, they could not stop the destructive behaviors.
Confused about what was going on, I decided to focus on relationship issues of Vietnam veteran
couples for my doctoral dissertation. Although the literature search produced little on couple work
with veteran couples, I did find an article by a psychiatrist, Larry Feldman describing five general
fears of intimacy…fears common to us all and yet I immediately saw how combat trauma would
exacerbate these fears. The following is my interpretation of these fears and the impact of war
trauma.
Fear of merger is the fear of losing yourself in your relationship… the fear of losing your freedom,
identity, and/or control over your own life. The military has powerful control over soldiers’ lives….their
freedom is very restricted. Both entering the military and being in war changes people’s identity. No
longer civilians, they see and do things far beyond our civilian experience and, as a result, are
forever changed. They are pushed and push themselves to their physical, emotional and spiritual
edges. Encountering terror and death challenges their values. They become aware of their capacity
for doing great good as in being willing to risk their lives to help others. They also become aware of
their shadow…their dark side as they do or don’t do things that will haunt them forever. Therefore,
many veterans remain resistant and afraid to let anyone or anything influence them again.
Convinced that allowing others to do so can be devastating, they are afraid to trust or let anyone
else have an impact on them. They feel a strong need to think for themselves and not lose
themselves in anything again. To merge, one must be willing to let another person affect one’s
thinking and feeling—to let go of control occasionally. Many war veterans are not willing to do that.
Fear of abandonment is the fear of losing the loved one. War is rife with abandonment. Soldiers can
feel abandoned by the system when they don’t receive the equipment they need or are required to
stay in Iraq beyond expected discharge date. War is sloppy and this fact intensifies the bonds and
intimacy among soldiers. They become fully present to each other in ways that are rare in everyday
stateside life. Their lives depend on each other to be there and be present. The death of a cohort
has a powerful emotional impact. Having been changed by the horror of seeing dead and maimed
bodies, killing and coming face to face with death, veterans are unable or unwilling to easily fit back
into “life as usual” in America. Life here seems superficial, pale and petty….indeed it often is.
Therefore, homecoming is usually more difficult than anticipated and the inability to connect can feel
like abandonment. The unfortunate fact that many relationships end during or after deployment is an
obvious abandonment.
Fear of exposure is the fear that we will not be accepted if the other really knows us. In war, soldiers
do things that others cannot easily understand or accept. Knowing this, veterans are afraid tell
anyone. These secrets can become a terrible burden often leading to a chronic sense of shame or
guilt. In addition, Veterans often experience survivor guilt…unable to come to peace with the fact
that they survived and others did not.
Fear of attack is the fear of being hurt physically or emotionally. In Iraq, attack can come from
anyone and happen anywhere. It is not safe to let your guard down. This necessary war zone
hypervigilance causes a myriad of problems, especially with trust in relationships when they are
unconsciously hyper-alert or suspicious at home.
Fear of your own destructive impulses is the fear of your ability and willingness to hurt others. War
brings out tremendous fear and rage. People are destructive in ways that they never would have
imagined themselves capable. They then fear that they will “lose it” at home. This was the highest
fear of the veterans in my study even though they had not physically hurt anyone in the many years
they had been home.
The study showed that combat trauma had a powerful effect on fears of intimacy and that these
fears, in turn, were the major factors in the decrease in intimacy. Therefore, to enhance intimacy
they needed to first deal with the fears that were caused by the war trauma. Then, and only then,
could the veterans feel safe enough to open their hearts. This helped explain why exercises to build
intimacy without first dealing with the fears had failed. Rebuilding the intimacy requires discovering,
facing and healing the wounds to the heart, mind and soul. Otherwise, the vulnerability of being
deeply seen and known is unbearable and the person will block intimacy by shutting down,
emotionally attacking the other or leaving.
My colleagues throughout the country tell me they are now seeing the same emotional issues that we
saw with Vietnam veterans. The arena is different; the impact of war on the veteran and their families
is the same. Forearmed with knowledge about how combat trauma affects veterans in their
relationships, the couples and those caring about them can have more success as they wind though
the maze of confusion, silence and pain that is common in reunited couples and in veterans trying to
start a new relationship. I hope my journey with these brave souls will help others understand.
Counseling, spiritual direction or support groups can help. The Vet Center’s are good resources. In
addition to traditional counseling, I found metaphors, Hakomi techniques and the energy psychology
approach, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to be very effective. Once the fear was addressed,
energy sharing techniques in which people could safely experience the soul-to-soul connection and
other intimacy-building approaches allowed them to be more intimate.
My hope is that people get the needed help soon so they can experience the love they so richly
deserve. These veterans have so much to offer the rest of us. They have the depth and wisdom
that comes from facing the unspeakable. Let’s help them feel safe and accepted as they re-enter
their relationships and communities…allowing them to unite their wisdom with an open heart and be a
great gift to us. Let’s help them come home.
Judaism and Sexuality
After 27 years at the VA Medical Center, most of which I served as Coordinator of the Family
Program on the Alcohol and Drug Program and Team Leader of the Stress Management Trainers, I
embarked on a second doctoral program at Indiana University School of Nursing. My chosen area of
interest was the interface of spirituality and sexuality and I wanted to become proficient in qualitative
research. Then Spirit came into play. A dear friend who was studying to be a rabbi at Hebrew Union
College in Jerusalem invited me to stay with her giving me the opportunity to attend a few classes
and to interview and talk with faculty, rabbinical students and staff at Hebrew Union College and other
Jewish people in the Old City. This prompted me to focus my research on Judaism and Sexuality and
I continued interviewing Jewish women in Indianapolis.
As I read and re-read my interviews, Dangerous Blessing emerged as the best descriptor of Jewish
people’s conception of sexuality. Using grounded theory methods to analyze transcriptions of the
audio-taped interviews, I found that the data demonstrated that Jewish women experience
themselves as living in a world of sexual dichotomy: a world where sex is viewed both as a natural
goodness and as a danger or evil.
The data suggest that Jewish people emphasize responsibility as the method to manage the
Dangerous Blessing (sexuality). It also appears that sexuality and responsibility contribute to loving
relationships that can create an opening for experiences of Divinity, which can be experienced as two
lovers merging or as the presence of a Divine Being with them during sexual lovemaking.
Four categories emerged in this grounded theory project, which resulted in a preliminary theoretical
framework for understanding how Jewish people manage sexuality. The theoretical framework is:
Jewish people manage the Dangerous Blessing by Teaching and Learning Responsibility, thereby
Promoting Loving Relationships that create the opening for Bringing in the Divine. The names of the
four categories are capitalized and underlined.
The focus on responsibility rather than guilt and shame, unfortunately for us, contrasts significantly
from my Catholic experience and my observations and reports about several other Christian
denominations’ approach to sexuality. I have presented my findings in Indianapolis, at a synagogue
in Brooklyn, at the International Congress on Women's Health Issues and I plan to continue my
research both with Jews and with Irish Catholics in America and Ireland. If you are interested in being
interviewed, please contact me at info@patsheehan.org
Intimacy…we search for it and we run from it. We yearn for it and we sabotage it. We want to be
deeply seen and yet we hide our thoughts and feelings. Understanding the fears associated with the
vulnerability of intimacy can help us make more conscious choices in our relationships. The following
is my take on five fears of intimacy which were first delineated by Larry B. Feldman.
Fear of merger. Merging is the experience of actually losing ourselves as we become one with the
other person—not knowing where our own body and self ends and the other person begins. The
merging experience in sexual lovemaking or other peak intimate experiences is very pleasurable…we
yearn for it. However, we may also fear that the other person will become too influential in our lives
and, thereby, cause us to lose our own identities or control over our lives. We worry about losing our
freedom or staying true to ourselves while, simultaneously, experiencing a strong pull to be what our
loved one wants us to be. This fear is manifested in power struggles over who controls whom and
what. It is expressed in several ways, i.e., “Don’t fence me in” or “I don’t have to answer to you, you’
re not my mother/father”. One of the most difficult tasks in relationship-building is to communicate
and negotiate so that both people are able to maintain identity and integrity.
Fear of abandonment. As intimacy develops in a relationship, a person receives more and more
support and pleasure from the other person. The idea of losing that person seems intolerable. The
fear is further aggravated by disappointments in previous love relationships. This fear may cause us
to vow to avoid deep love relationships in order to avoid further pain. In a relationship, this fear
causes us to be jealous, clingy, submissive, or controlling through manipulation or violence.
Fear of Exposure. We let our intimate partner know us…and whether we want them to or not, they
simply see us…character flaws and all, causing us to fear their rejection or judgment. We see our
own faults more clearly as we see ourselves through our partner’s eyes. If these faults are aspects
of ourselves we don’t want to face or accept, we experience an intense desire to reject this
awareness and/or the intimate partner who is seeing or telling us about this flaw. It is so much easier
to ignore our shortcomings when we are not in an intimate relationship.
Fear of Attack. This is the fear of being physically or emotionally hurt. It may be a realistic reaction
to a real danger or it may be a projection based on past attacks. Physical abuse is an obvious cause
of fear of attack; emotional abuse is more subtle. The attack can be overt as in name-calling or
obvious criticism or it can be covert as in sarcastic or passive-aggressive comments or behaviors.
Attacks by intimate partner are particularly painful because we rely on them to be our ally and
supporter.
Fear of One’ Own Destructive Impulses. Disappointments in love relationships, from childhood on,
can result inan underlying anger or rage that may come closer to consciousness as intimacy…and its
resultant vulnerability… increases. As we allow ourselves to be more intimate, the vulnerability can
precipitate anxiety, fear and anger. Anger oozes out in surprising ways…nit picking or exploding for
no apparent reason or with no present provocation. We may fear losing control and hurting the
other person emotionally or physically.
The more we see how these fears are showing up in our lives and how we came to react this way, the
more choice we have in determining our ability to be intimate. I am offering a workshop, Enhancing
Your Intimacy Potential, on April 21 to help people identify and heal their fears of intimacy. Using
information, a fear of intimacy questionnaire and numerous healing experiences, participants will
develop their own intimacy enhancement plan. For more information see the ad in this paper or
contact info@patsheehan.org. I wish you all the love your heart can hold!
War-Torn Hearts
War tears people away from each other as it tears at their hearts, minds and souls. In my 27 years
of counseling at the Indianapolis VA Medical Center, I saw first-hand the impact of war trauma on
thousands of veterans their partners and relationships. I also learned that, with an understanding of
traumatic stress and the courage to face their fears, healing is possible. I was a seasoned therapist
when, in 1980, I was asked to consult with the staff of the newly-opened Vet Center. They wanted
help with the combat veterans’ relationship issues. With years of helping alcoholic couples rebuild
their relationships, I wrongfully assumed that I had the necessary skills. It was a humbling, painful,
and incredibly rewarding experience. While the couples’ love for each other was apparent, they
would inevitably sabotage the intimacy in the relationship. Unable to stay emotionally close; they
would either pick a fight or emotionally shut down. While counseling helped them see what they were
doing, they could not stop the destructive behaviors.
Confused about what was going on, I decided to focus on relationship issues of Vietnam veteran
couples for my doctoral dissertation. Although the literature search produced little on couple work
with veteran couples, I did find an article by a psychiatrist, Larry Feldman describing five general
fears of intimacy…fears common to us all and yet I immediately saw how combat trauma would
exacerbate these fears. The following is my interpretation of these fears and the impact of war
trauma.
Fear of merger is the fear of losing yourself in your relationship… the fear of losing your freedom,
identity, and/or control over your own life. The military has powerful control over soldiers’ lives….their
freedom is very restricted. Both entering the military and being in war changes people’s identity. No
longer civilians, they see and do things far beyond our civilian experience and, as a result, are
forever changed. They are pushed and push themselves to their physical, emotional and spiritual
edges. Encountering terror and death challenges their values. They become aware of their capacity
for doing great good as in being willing to risk their lives to help others. They also become aware of
their shadow…their dark side as they do or don’t do things that will haunt them forever. Therefore,
many veterans remain resistant and afraid to let anyone or anything influence them again.
Convinced that allowing others to do so can be devastating, they are afraid to trust or let anyone
else have an impact on them. They feel a strong need to think for themselves and not lose
themselves in anything again. To merge, one must be willing to let another person affect one’s
thinking and feeling—to let go of control occasionally. Many war veterans are not willing to do that.
Fear of abandonment is the fear of losing the loved one. War is rife with abandonment. Soldiers can
feel abandoned by the system when they don’t receive the equipment they need or are required to
stay in Iraq beyond expected discharge date. War is sloppy and this fact intensifies the bonds and
intimacy among soldiers. They become fully present to each other in ways that are rare in everyday
stateside life. Their lives depend on each other to be there and be present. The death of a cohort
has a powerful emotional impact. Having been changed by the horror of seeing dead and maimed
bodies, killing and coming face to face with death, veterans are unable or unwilling to easily fit back
into “life as usual” in America. Life here seems superficial, pale and petty….indeed it often is.
Therefore, homecoming is usually more difficult than anticipated and the inability to connect can feel
like abandonment. The unfortunate fact that many relationships end during or after deployment is an
obvious abandonment.
Fear of exposure is the fear that we will not be accepted if the other really knows us. In war, soldiers
do things that others cannot easily understand or accept. Knowing this, veterans are afraid tell
anyone. These secrets can become a terrible burden often leading to a chronic sense of shame or
guilt. In addition, Veterans often experience survivor guilt…unable to come to peace with the fact
that they survived and others did not.
Fear of attack is the fear of being hurt physically or emotionally. In Iraq, attack can come from
anyone and happen anywhere. It is not safe to let your guard down. This necessary war zone
hypervigilance causes a myriad of problems, especially with trust in relationships when they are
unconsciously hyper-alert or suspicious at home.
Fear of your own destructive impulses is the fear of your ability and willingness to hurt others. War
brings out tremendous fear and rage. People are destructive in ways that they never would have
imagined themselves capable. They then fear that they will “lose it” at home. This was the highest
fear of the veterans in my study even though they had not physically hurt anyone in the many years
they had been home.
The study showed that combat trauma had a powerful effect on fears of intimacy and that these
fears, in turn, were the major factors in the decrease in intimacy. Therefore, to enhance intimacy
they needed to first deal with the fears that were caused by the war trauma. Then, and only then,
could the veterans feel safe enough to open their hearts. This helped explain why exercises to build
intimacy without first dealing with the fears had failed. Rebuilding the intimacy requires discovering,
facing and healing the wounds to the heart, mind and soul. Otherwise, the vulnerability of being
deeply seen and known is unbearable and the person will block intimacy by shutting down,
emotionally attacking the other or leaving.
My colleagues throughout the country tell me they are now seeing the same emotional issues that we
saw with Vietnam veterans. The arena is different; the impact of war on the veteran and their families
is the same. Forearmed with knowledge about how combat trauma affects veterans in their
relationships, the couples and those caring about them can have more success as they wind though
the maze of confusion, silence and pain that is common in reunited couples and in veterans trying to
start a new relationship. I hope my journey with these brave souls will help others understand.
Counseling, spiritual direction or support groups can help. The Vet Center’s are good resources. In
addition to traditional counseling, I found metaphors, Hakomi techniques and the energy psychology
approach, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to be very effective. Once the fear was addressed,
energy sharing techniques in which people could safely experience the soul-to-soul connection and
other intimacy-building approaches allowed them to be more intimate.
My hope is that people get the needed help soon so they can experience the love they so richly
deserve. These veterans have so much to offer the rest of us. They have the depth and wisdom
that comes from facing the unspeakable. Let’s help them feel safe and accepted as they re-enter
their relationships and communities…allowing them to unite their wisdom with an open heart and be a
great gift to us. Let’s help them come home.
Judaism and Sexuality
After 27 years at the VA Medical Center, most of which I served as Coordinator of the Family
Program on the Alcohol and Drug Program and Team Leader of the Stress Management Trainers, I
embarked on a second doctoral program at Indiana University School of Nursing. My chosen area of
interest was the interface of spirituality and sexuality and I wanted to become proficient in qualitative
research. Then Spirit came into play. A dear friend who was studying to be a rabbi at Hebrew Union
College in Jerusalem invited me to stay with her giving me the opportunity to attend a few classes
and to interview and talk with faculty, rabbinical students and staff at Hebrew Union College and other
Jewish people in the Old City. This prompted me to focus my research on Judaism and Sexuality and
I continued interviewing Jewish women in Indianapolis.
As I read and re-read my interviews, Dangerous Blessing emerged as the best descriptor of Jewish
people’s conception of sexuality. Using grounded theory methods to analyze transcriptions of the
audio-taped interviews, I found that the data demonstrated that Jewish women experience
themselves as living in a world of sexual dichotomy: a world where sex is viewed both as a natural
goodness and as a danger or evil.
The data suggest that Jewish people emphasize responsibility as the method to manage the
Dangerous Blessing (sexuality). It also appears that sexuality and responsibility contribute to loving
relationships that can create an opening for experiences of Divinity, which can be experienced as two
lovers merging or as the presence of a Divine Being with them during sexual lovemaking.
Four categories emerged in this grounded theory project, which resulted in a preliminary theoretical
framework for understanding how Jewish people manage sexuality. The theoretical framework is:
Jewish people manage the Dangerous Blessing by Teaching and Learning Responsibility, thereby
Promoting Loving Relationships that create the opening for Bringing in the Divine. The names of the
four categories are capitalized and underlined.
The focus on responsibility rather than guilt and shame, unfortunately for us, contrasts significantly
from my Catholic experience and my observations and reports about several other Christian
denominations’ approach to sexuality. I have presented my findings in Indianapolis, at a synagogue
in Brooklyn, at the International Congress on Women's Health Issues and I plan to continue my
research both with Jews and with Irish Catholics in America and Ireland. If you are interested in being
interviewed, please contact me at info@patsheehan.org
Publications & Writings
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| Pat Sheehan Body and Spirit Studio 7842 Melbourne Road Indianapolis, IN 46268 317-872-6646 info@patsheehan.org |
Loving Spirits ~ Pat Sheehan
By Pat Sheehan
Tantra Retreats and Workshops
Ipsalu Tantra Kriya Yoga was developed by Bodhi Avinasha by combining the art and science of
tantra yoga, kriya yoga and western psychology. It involves techniques to unite spiritual and sexual
energies to facilitate the mastery of sexual, emotional and mental states. Bodhi developed a specific
five-step formula that enhances the ability to experience and move spiritual/sexual energy. The
formula consists of techniques to awaken the body, quiet the mind, awaken the sexual energy,
transmute the sexual energy into love energy, and then live in the bliss state. Participants also learn
how to be in the witness consciousness, which allows them to be less critical of themselves and
others and to be more present in their lives and to their partners. These experiences help them to
re-experience their original innocence and aliveness. In the Level 1 Weekend Retreat, you will learn
the Cobra Breath, a transformative practice to awaken the third eye chakra enabling you to see
yourself, your relationships and your life more clearly...living in less illusion and delusion.
I offer weekend Ipsalu Retreats and One Day Tantra Events. These are posted on the website on
the events page.
Ipsalu Tantra Kriya Yoga was developed by Bodhi Avinasha by combining the art and science of
tantra yoga, kriya yoga and western psychology. It involves techniques to unite spiritual and sexual
energies to facilitate the mastery of sexual, emotional and mental states. Bodhi developed a specific
five-step formula that enhances the ability to experience and move spiritual/sexual energy. The
formula consists of techniques to awaken the body, quiet the mind, awaken the sexual energy,
transmute the sexual energy into love energy, and then live in the bliss state. Participants also learn
how to be in the witness consciousness, which allows them to be less critical of themselves and
others and to be more present in their lives and to their partners. These experiences help them to
re-experience their original innocence and aliveness. In the Level 1 Weekend Retreat, you will learn
the Cobra Breath, a transformative practice to awaken the third eye chakra enabling you to see
yourself, your relationships and your life more clearly...living in less illusion and delusion.
I offer weekend Ipsalu Retreats and One Day Tantra Events. These are posted on the website on
the events page.
PUBLICATIONS & WRITINGS:
- Tantra Retreats and Workshops
- Understanding Ourselves in Intimate Relationships
- War-Torn Hearts
- Judaism and Sexuality